Physical abuse of the elderly leaves bruises and breaks, not too difficult to detect. Financial abuse of the elderly can be confirmed by a check of bank statements. Neglect is evidenced by chaotic surroundings, an obvious decline in personal care, and social isolation. But when it comes to the emotional abuse of an older person, the psychological damage can go undiscovered for months or even years. It may be disguised or excused by cognitive decline, or covered up in manipulative ways by ‘carers.’ The results of emotional abuse, however, are long lasting, and erode the dignity and confidence of the victim. They can lead to anxiety, and depression, and a reduction in quality of life. Not to mention the loneliness that comes from not being loved.
Emotional, or ‘psychological’ abuse of the elderly, as it is sometimes referred to, is a deliberate intention on the part of another to cause mental distress. Perpetrators can be close family members, professional support people, neighbours, and even ‘friends.’ In any situation where an older person is dependent on others for care and support, emotional abuse can rear its ugly head. The reasons for its occurrence are many – a desire for control, frustration, anger, resentment, exhaustion, family dynamics, personality disorders, unmet desires for money, and many others. The underlying cause is of little importance because the reality is this: when a vulnerable person is in the care of a more capable one, the duty of the carer is to offer support, not to inflict abuse. If support cannot be offered in a caring, appropriate way, it is time to walk away from the situation and to find someone else who can offer what is required.
Emotional abuse takes many forms. It may be via verbal abuse, name calling, raised voices, and belittling and cruel comments. It can come in the form of threats of abandonment, including threats to place an older person into formal care when they are not ready for it. Emotional abuse can also enter the ugly phase of trying to confuse an older person by making them doubt their own recollection or sound state of mind. To make matters worse, an abuser may try to isolate an older person from friends and family members, and to limit their social activities. In this way, they not only cut the victim off from enjoyable interactions, they also prevent them from seeking help.
Spotting the signs of elder abuse may take time, but once you recognise a pattern, it is time to act. If an older person is suddenly ‘less available’ i.e. they can’t come to the phone when you call, or their phone is always answered by another, or their calls are ‘supervised’ by another in the background, it may be cause for concern. If you visit them in their home but there is always a ‘carer’ in the room with you, that’s another reason to be suspicious. Look for situations where a carer dominates conversation and answers your questions to the older person for them. An older person experiencing emotional abuse may also appear tearful when you are alone together, yet not be able to express why that is. They may no longer be themselves in terms of confidence or conversation.
Once you are reasonably confident an older person is the subject of emotional abuse, it’s important to act. Start by creating a safe space where they can take as much time as they need to articulate what is happening. Do this by taking them out of their house, or by offering to ‘sit’ with them while their regular carer takes a break. Make it clear whatever you discuss will be in absolute confidence. Start by gently asking how things are with their living arrangements, and if they are happy in their current situation. If you are concerned about their immediate safety, arrange an appointment to talk to their GP, with or without them. Your GP will be under no obligation to discuss the situation with you, but they will be obliged to listen to your concerns. Consider contacting services such as Shine, and Age Concern’s Elder Abuse services. Introduce the victim to resources that provide information on elder abuse – this will help them to feel less alone (note: be sure this material does not get into the hands of the abuser). Lastly, make opportunities to take the victim of the abuse to social situations where they will find respite from the abuse, enjoy themselves, and be able to start rebuilding their confidence.
The realisation someone you know and love is being emotionally abused, can be devastating. Make sure you have a confidant you can offload onto as you go about the onerous task of helping the one you care about.