Part One: The invisible drain on your well being
Are you recently retired but still weighed down with a to-do list as long as your arm? Or feeling burnt out even though you know your regular job is manageable? If so, you may be suffering from the exhaustion of emotional labour.
Emotional labour was a term first coined in 1983 by sociologist, Arlie Hochschild, when she was in the midst of studying the experiences of flight attendants. Well known for their ability to manage everything from demanding passengers to inconsolable toddler tantrums, and all while serving up dinner to a full plane during turbulence, flight attendants do what they do by keeping their own emotions in check. Instead of throwing a tantrum themselves, they smile; instead of shouting, they calmly explain; instead of hitting back, they serve, and swallow their frustrations.
Now, this same emotional labour and suppression of personal emotion displayed by flight attendants is being recognised in domestic situations. In the home, the emotional labourer (usually a woman) manages multiple situations simultaneously, often at considerable expense to their own physical and mental health. And the thing is – almost no one notices, because even though this emotional labour is the glue which holds a household, family, wider family, friends, and community together, it is, for all intents and purposes, invisible. But to the one who is labouring, it’s exhausting.
If you’re feeling confused about what exactly constitutes emotional labour in a domestic setting, it’s likely to be for one of two reasons: either you’ve never experienced it because your significant other does it for you, or you’ve normalised it to the degree you are barely aware there’s any other way to live. So, here are some examples to inform you:
- Your mother-in-law is coming to stay and she’s afraid of dogs – so you arrange for Fido to stay with a friends for the weekend. You also take the dog to your friend, and arrange a thank you gift when you pick Fido up again.
- Your teen is having relationship problems. They’re not likely to open up about it unless they feel super comfortable. So you register for a Park Run together on Saturday and cross your fingers on the drive back home there’ll be an opportunity to chat.
- Your granddaughter’s 21st is coming up. There’s a card to send, a gift to purchase, an invitation to reply to, and you have to remind your partner of the speech they’ve been asked to make (and help them write it).
- Your husband isn’t heading out for his morning walk – is he not feeling well, or simply giving up on exercise? You need to talk to him about it but knowing how to broach the subject is tricky because if you don’t catch him at the right moment, he can be quite tetchy.
- Your 16 year old daughter seems to have lost her apetite. Is it an eating disorder in the making, a temporary glitch to do with her friendship group, or just teen hormones at play? You make an appointment with her school counsellor to talk about it.
- You and your partner haven’t been on a break for months and you know it would do you both so much good to get away. But if it’s to happen, it’s up to you to plan it.
- You have a feeling all is not well with your daughter’s marriage. You’ve spoken to your husband about it, but if anyone is get her to open up, it’s going to have to be you. Your husband doesn’t do emotional stuff.
- Then there’s the annual wellness checks and dental check-ups to schedule for you and your partner, the neighbour who’s just come out of holiday who needs a meal delivered and their lawn mowed (your husband will mow the lawn – but only if you remind him…) and there’s a community fair bric-a-brac table to contribute to next weekend, so you’ll need to hunt out some items.
- Oh, and one last thing: if the baby gift for your London family (which you knitted) is to reach them in time, you’ll need to get it posted by next Wednesday at the latest.
So, now we all know what is meant by ‘emotional labour,’ and just how important it is to the day-to-day running of life and relationships. What we know less about is the toll it takes on the one who does the labouring – how it makes them feel, and the damage it can cause to their health. In our next article on emotional labour, we’ll dive into just this. In the meantime, why not take a look at your own emotional labour load, and let us know how it all pans out!