Anyone could be forgiven for thinking relationship issues are the domain of the younger person – after all, it’s what magazines, social media, and TV represents 99% of the time. Just because you’ve been with your significant other for years (decades, in many cases), doesn’t mean difficulties don’t surface. In fact, even new senior relationships may have their teething problems. What is different for seniors, however, is some relationship issues are actually significant in terms of our age. The following are examples, and you may be familiar with them:
Financial bickering
While you were both working, you may never have needed to budget in any serious way. But, suddenly, you find yourselves living on a fixed income (your superannuation, and any savings you’ve managed to squirrel away). If your fixed income is pooled (say, with a joint bank account, for example), resentment can arise if one partner seems to be unaware their discretionary spending is impacting on their significant other. If not addressed in time, resentment can soon spill over into other areas of life because you feel you’re not cared about. You may stop enjoying your partner’s company, or feel like withholding affection or romantic interaction.
Self-care (or the lack of it)
The health issues of one partner can dramatically impact the life of the other. While this is sometimes unavoidable, it is often the case where a partner is suffering poor health because they are not doing all they can to take care of themselves (they may refuse to exercise and eat in a healthy fashion, for example, or they may continue to smoke or consume too much alcohol). When the well partner is left to pick up the pieces as they make rafts of medical appointments, and care for their significant other, it’s a sure recipe for relationship issues.
‘Stuck in your ways’
It can feel safe to do things the way you always have, but when it takes a toll on a relationship, it’s time to talk. Holding on to the familiar can include continuing to carry out all your own time-consuming home maintenance, cleaning, gardening, or family duties, when your partner would value some recreational time with you now you’re retired. Feeling as if you are being ‘put on the back burner’ because your partner refuses to give up some responsibilities, or won’t consider hiring help for at least a few of them, can leave you feeling resentful and lonely.
Transferring responsibility
We spend a large part of our life caring for our children, our children’s children, and our own ageing parents. As those responsibilities decrease, it can be easy to transfer the hours of care onto our partner. But when we extend the same degree of care onto an adult who doesn’t need or require it, it can make for an oppressive relationship. What was previously a healthy, adult intimacy can quickly becoming mollycoddling interference – and one our partner resents.
Intimacy
Bodies change as we age. So does libido (in either direction). Aches and pains, energy levels, and hormonal changes can all impact intimacy; they can even see us sleeping in different beds. When change in intimacy level isn’t discussed, a partner can be left wondering if they are the reason for it, something which can create hurt or anxiety. Unless there is healthy communication about intimacy (and for many it is one of the most difficult subjects to talk about), you and your partner may find yourselves drifting apart in other ways, too.
Discussing relationship issues with your significant senior other may not be easy, but the alternative is to live unhappily during what are meant to be some of the best years of your life. If you don’t know where to begin with tackling relationship issues, seek advice from your GP, check out what help is available through local counselling services, or reach out to a professional at an organisation, such as Relationship Services. You and your partner deserve the best.