It happens more than most of us want to admit – but using our kids (whether they are young-adults or adults) as a dumping ground for our pent-up emotions, is not a healthy habit. What’s more, doing so can actually damage these young people in ways we don’t realise.
Emotional dumping is just that; it’s not subtle, not conversational, it’s not even a plea for constructive solutions or help. Emotional dumping is a one-side tirade against a colleague, a friend, a partner, a family member, or a situation, which has stressed you to the max. It’s often repeated over and over again to the same unfortunate audience. What’s worse, an emotional dumper may actually target their kids to off-load onto because the traumatic details of whatever is going on are too personal to convey to anyone else. Children may also even be expected to ‘appreciate’ the tirade because the dumper assumes they have experienced the same problems!
Emotionally dumping on your young adults or older kids, however, can have serious consequences for them. Not only do they feel helpless to say ‘stop’ (even though they may have heard the story countless times before) but if it’s a parent, family member, or family friend who is being denigrated, the listener can be left in the position of feeling disloyal to someone they love and/or look up to. What’s more, they are often left with a distorted view of the person who has angered the ‘dumper.’ This is because we view others through our own personal lens – a lens influenced so much by our own (sometimes dysfunctional) background. The job of any child (whatever their age) is to discern their own truth about those around them, and not to have their opinions influenced by a parent who may be seeing things in a very one-sided way.
Kids who are ‘dumped on’ emotionally can also feel the burden of having to become a ‘parent’ or ‘advisor’ to their own parent. As their young-adulthood or their relationship with their own partner is impacted by these relentless assaults, stress, anxiety, and even depression can set in. Resentment can build up, along with a feeling they need to be overly responsible not only for their emotionally dumping parent, but in all areas of life. When their ‘dumper’ parent finds relief through off-loading their burden, and is appreciative, a young-adult or adult child can feel the only way to gain affection in life is through taking care of others.
Children, whatever their age, understandably find it impossible or very difficult in knowing where to draw a healthy line between age-appropriate discussion and emotional dumping. They can fear rejection from a parent if they signal a desire to walk away from dumping, something which can carry-over into later life where they see themselves as being a ‘sponge’ for others’ problems. In doing so, they may learn to suppress their own need for emotional support, even believing they don’t have a right to be listened to or understood. When this happens, they are on a life-journey of people-pleasing instead of caring for their own emotional and mental health.
It’s important, as an adult, to understand that your children (whatever their age) are not your confidantes – not when it comes to discussing your relationships, financial struggles, or any other subject which impacts them in a detrimental way. Emotional dumping is also not the same as a healthy discussion where you might be legitimately seeking your child’s opinions on age-appropriate matters affecting them. As an adult, the art is in knowing the difference between necessary family discussion and your own personal venting. It’s even more important to understand emotional dumping should be reserved for professionals such as counsellors, therapists, or (very rarely, and with their permission and complete transparency about your need) a close friend.