It’s become so common, the term ‘boomerang kids’ was coined to cover it. We’re talking about the ever-growing occurrence of adult children (sometimes with partner and kids in tow) returning ‘home’ to live with Mum and Dad for a period of time. Currently, it’s thought around 25% of 18-34 year olds in New Zealand live with their family members. While this figure hasn’t risen dramatically over the last year or two, what has risen is the number of adults in full time employment who are living with family.
The reasons for adult kids (and often, their own family) living with Mum and Dad are many, but suffice to say, the current economic climate is not conducive to the pattern slowing down any time soon. The temporary ‘homelessness’ of adult children can occur for a whole host of different reasons. Sometimes, it’s simply a case of waiting for the right flat or house to come along, but there are also more complex reasons for holing up with Mum and Dad for a spell. It might be due a relationship break-up, waiting for a new house build to be completed, a financial crisis due to a job loss, a health issue, an extended return from overseas travel, or an adult child’s need for help with children while their partner is on an away-from-home contract. Whatever the reason, or the relationship you have with your adult kids, their temporary return to your home shouldn’t be taken lightly.
For starters, it’s important to remember your home is your own, and you’re not automatically obliged to agree to a ‘we-want-to-move-in-with-you’ request. If you feel sharing your home at this stage in your life will impact (for example) your own relationship with your partner, or affect your mental health, it’s much better to say so (with compassion) than face a melt-down later on. Especially as there are sure to be other ways in which you can help your adult child. You might, for instance, be available to move into their own home to help care for them for a few weeks, or be in a position to offer them your holiday home while they untangle their relationship difficulties. If you do decide having your adult child to live with you for a time is acceptable, it pays to formalise the arrangement before it begins.
Having an extra person (or persons) in your home incurs extra costs. Whether these apply to wear and tear (such as running the washing machine more often), or using extra energy, it all mounts up. Which is why settling on a basic rental makes sense. Currently, it’s assumed Kiwis will spend 30% of their income on rent – a figure that hasn’t simply been pulled out of thin air. So if your adult child is in a position to cover their own rental costs, asking they contribute 30% of their income to the household is a good starting point. From there, if you wish, you might want to talk about household utility charges, and other bills. To help you all keep track of sharing these, you could try using a budget/bill settling app.
While you won’t want to be mercenary, you also may not wish to prolong a temporary stay by making it a ‘walk-in-the-park.’ Unless of course, having your adult child move back home is to help them save for a particular reason. However, even if this is the case, you can always pop their living-with-you payments into a separate account, and give this sum back to them when they move out.
Formalising ‘moving in’ should also be about setting a date for ‘moving out.’ While it can be reviewed if necessary, it forms a point your adult child is working towards, and one on which you can envisage your domestic life returning to normal.
There are relationship considerations you’ll want to think about should you have your adult child move home temporarily. For instance, are you comfortable with them inviting their friends into your home, or would you prefer this didn’t happen, or they checked with you first? Can you be confident their return home won’t result in unhealthy patterns occurring (such as their expecting you to do their laundry and cook every meal for them)? What about your own behaviours – can you trust yourself not to ‘give advice’ when it’s no longer required, and will you be able to refrain from making unreasonable requests (such as asking your adult child to make their bed each day)? Some arrangements can, and should, be formalised, but there are other situations in which you’ll all need to practise tolerance and restraint.
Perhaps one of the best plans you can make, should your adult child return home, with or without family in tow, is to set regular dates for check-in conversations. These should be sit-downs over a coffee when you talk openly and honestly about how living together is panning out, if it’s comfortable for the arrangement to continue, and any tweaks that need to be made to facilitate this. If you’re not a family used to such intimacies, treat it as a (kindly) business meeting!
No change to living arrangements is easy – and you shouldn’t expect it to be. While having adult family move in with you temporarily can pan out to be anything from win-win to a minor inconvenience, if it’s not working for you, remember – it’s still your home, and in the end, you (with compassion) get to call the shots.
