There’s ‘love’ and then there’s ‘being in love.’ We have only to look at couples in new relationships to understand the latter. Whether they are young lovers or an older couple who’ve recently met, the people involved are attentive to each other to a fault. Doors get opened, flowers and gifts appear unbidden, special dates are remembered, restaurant tables get reserved, and compliments abound. At times, it’s almost as if no one else is in the room, apart from the couple themselves.
In a relationship of many years, the love may not have diminished, but it is very likely to be less intense. In its more mature expression, passion and excitement (not that they no longer exist) have moved over to accommodate companionship, respect, trust, and dependability. Couples in mature relationships also tend to show their love for one another in less effusive ways than ‘newly-in-loves’ might. Demonstration of love tends to be quieter and more consistent, and it isn’t necessarily noticed by others.
However, those who are ‘in love’ do have one big advantage over long-term couples, and it is this: their love takes little effort to demonstrate. In fact, their romantic actions seem to come from a bottomless well of generosity and affection. Those who have loved each other for a long time must go to some effort to keep demonstrating their feelings outwardly or they risk their partner feeling unnoticed, unappreciated, unheard, and (even if it is not true), unloved. When we fall into the trap of not expressing love in a long term relationship, it is a recipe for drifting apart, leading separate lives, and, in some cases, ending the relationship.
Below are six ways in which couples in mature, happy, relationships continue to communicate their feelings for one another so both parties feel valued, appreciated, and loved:
Physical affection
Anyone can enquire after another’s health, or emotional well-being; they can even, where it is appropriate, offer touch in the form of a comforting or welcoming hug. But physical affection from a partner is more intimate. Whether it’s the holding of hands on a walk, sitting together on a couch with legs closely touching, the cupping of a face in a hand, the wiping away of a fringe from the eyes, a loving kiss, or sexual intimacy, they are all signs the bonds holding a couple together are still there. They are the secret signs love still holds the two together in a continuing bond.
Gifts of service
Knowing what our partner enjoys or when they need help, even when they don’t ask for it, are important and selfless ways of communicating love in a long term relationship. They may not be grand gestures, but they are consistent and selfless (such as in the case of the partner who diligently delivers coffee-in-bed to their other half each morning). Or they may pop up as loving surprises, such as the partner who packs a picnic and plans an unscheduled day out at the beach. Gifts of service are especially loving when one partner faces a health challenge. Whether it’s helping with medication, daily visits to a hospital bed, or placing a flower on a breakfast tray, a partner can be there for the other in small but valued ways that show love and reliability.
A shoulder to lean on
In many ways, providing emotional support to a long term partner is even more important than offering physical support. Listening is time consuming, and it is often required on a daily basis for extended periods of time. Moreover, it is usually one-sided. Listening, and offering hope, are at the foundation of a strong, loving relationship, and they do not go unnoticed by a significant other.
Celebrating together
Couples in successful relationships make time to celebrate – together, and with others. It may be the celebration of family milestones such as marriages and births, or the retirement of a friend. Celebrating can also be about simpler things – such as the annual arrival of a flower in the garden, the return of swallows to a tree, a beautiful sunset, or the shape of clouds. When couples share joys, small or large, they are sharing the sort of intimacy that builds strength into their relationship
Communication
Life is not static. We continue to change as we age. Our interests, needs, routines, and dreams all alter shape with the years. Yet, if as a couple, these changes are not communicated, misunderstanding can easily result. If, for instance, one half of a couple harbours a desire to travel, but hasn’t communicated it, they can become resentful when their other half seems content to stay home. Successful couples in mature relationships make time to touch base with each other about the direction each is heading in. They actively ask about each other’s plans, or take an interest in a new hobby or friendship. When they do, there is room to celebrate or plan together, and to demonstrate love by accommodating the other’s needs.
Compliments
Newly-in-loves are forever complimenting each other – in fact it seems effortless. They admire their partner’s clothing, their hair, a kind gesture, cooking, a repair job … the list is endless. Couples in mature relationships also appreciate each other, but those in successful relationships voice this. They also make an effort to hear and reply to compliments from the other. Giving and responding to compliments lets both people in a relationship know they are valued, heard, and appreciated.
Mature, happy, couples don’t take their relationship for granted. They work, in multiple small ways, to maintain, update, and refresh their partnership, and their relationship becomes all the stronger for doing so.