Over the last few months, we’ve been taking a look at mindsets – what they are, where they come from, and how to work with ourselves and our friend’s to break free from the thinking that confines us and prevents us from enjoying life. This month, we focus on partner-relationships-in-crisis because of incompatible mindsets. It doesn’t mean we should expect our relationships to be static, after all, we all change over time. However, when you signed up to your marriage, or any other form of long term relationship, you didn’t sign up to the kind of restrictions a negative mindset has the potential to impose. Below, we chat to three seniors who found their other half’s newly acquired mindset was impacting their relationship in an unhealthy way. To find out how they approached the challenge, read on.
Side-stepping the mindset
My husband and I have always been active, outdoor, people. We are both in our late sixties, and among other activities, we enjoy cycling. Recently, however, after a spate of accidents involving senior cyclists were reported in the news, my husband announced he would no longer be getting on his bike. At his age, he said, he wasn’t prepared to take the risk of falling and breaking a bone. I was gob-smacked, and upset, but no amount of reasoning could persuade him otherwise. As I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye to a leisure activity that, in many ways, defined me, and which kept me fit and happy, I joined a senior’s cycling group. This has brought unexpected rewards because as well as not having to cycle alone, I’ve also widened my friendship group. Most importantly, I no longer feel resentful about my husband’s mindset, something I don’t have the ability to change.
Compromising with a mindset
My partner, Maggie, and I enjoy travel, and we’ve always been independent in the way we go about it – making our own bookings, flying budget airlines, and staying in hostels. After a recent hiccup with visas (which I admit was very stressful, and which saw us having to cancel a flight and rebook a more costly one at short notice), Maggie announced she was over travelling internationally. I felt incredibly disappointed, but she’d made up her mind, and I couldn’t talk her out of it. I really missed the trip-planning, which for me, had been half the fun. What I missed most was Maggie’s sense of confidence, which seemed to have taken a serious hit. However, I also realised you don’t have to throw the baby out with the bath water, and I came up with a plan Maggie was willing to accept: we would still travel, but we’d book through an agent, and do the more adventurous experiences (such as multi day trail walks) in groups via tour operators, rather than alone. It costs more, but I still get to do some planning, and Maggie feels she’s in safe hands when we go out of the country. The compromise has been worth it, even if I may not agree with her mindset.
Challenging a mindset
When my husband, Andrew, was diagnosed with osteoporosis, his whole life changed overnight. And not just his, but mine, too. Almost instantly, he developed a mindset of extreme caution. Always a gardener, he refused to work on the sloping sections of our property (which was pretty much the entire garden), and would walk only on sealed surfaces. This meant our regular tramping trips were off the agenda. In general, he was more fearful than I’d ever seen him. I didn’t know anything about osteoporosis, but I suspected the mindset he’d developed was over-the-top. After doing some research, I persuaded Andrew to let me attend his next GP appointment. At this appointment, I asked the GP to clarify the precautions Andrew should be taking. They were nowhere near as extreme as Andrew thought, and he now admits the shock of the diagnosis meant he hadn’t initially listened to his GP, or asked the questions he needed to. Andrew has now bought walking poles for tramping, and some gardening shoes with good-grip soles. He’s doing daily bone-building exercises and life has pretty much returned to normal.
Negative mindsets affect relationships. Whether you approach them via a sidestep, a compromise, or a challenge, it’s important not to let your partner’s mindset limit your own horizons.
