Everyone knows one – the person who routinely whips out their phone (often mid-conversation) to check a point someone has (usually, quite casually) made. You may, for instance, have said you “no longer feel safe while waiting down town after 9pm for a bus because there’s so much violence on the street these days.” Suddenly, the ‘fact checker’ is Googling the statistics to find out if you’re right about the increase in rates of violence, and if you’re not, they soon let you know. At best, this sort of behaviour puts a dampener on conversation, and at worst, it can leave you feeling you’re being got at. While you may be able to ignore or put up with your fact-checking friend, it can be more difficult when it’s your teen or older grandchild who’s taking you to task. But before you sigh, and feel irritated by their behaviour, let’s take a look at why it might be occurring:
Fact from fiction
To say the internet is rife with misinformation is an understatement, and many of our young people know it. As they struggle to sort out truth from lies, they naturally ask more questions, and often research more thoroughly, than their parents or grandparents might. No wonder then, they no longer take statements – even casual comments made as part of a conversation – at face value. Attuned to having to sort out reality from fiction on a daily basis, their ‘fact from fiction’ filters are forever on high alert.
Age of anxiety
Generations have never been more divided, in economic and environmental terms, than they now are. Consequently, young people are acutely aware of the challenges they face, challenges such as: will the tertiary training they’re embarking on still be relevant in an age of artificial intelligence, will they ever be able to find a job or afford a home of their own, and what sort of shape will the planet be in by the time they’re as old as their parents or grandparents? They’re the kind of concerns that can make younger people distrustful of an older generation they see as having, in the main, created these problems. Which is why many young people are demanding adults speak truth rather than opinion, and holding them to account when they don’t.
Hitting back
Young people often have friends (or are themselves) living on the margins of society. They may know (or be) people who are suffering from mental health issues, gender dysphoria, or poverty. They may be living on the streets, or in insecure or violent homes. When young people feel they have been let down by society, alienated from it, or questioned by it, their response can be to hit back – and they often do this by arming themselves with information, and challenging the statements of those whom they see as being in control (usually people who are in their parents and grandparents age groups).
Of course, an older generation is not to blame for every problem in a young person’s life, and to be fact-checked at every turn soon puts paid to casual family conversation. So, what can we do to encourage connection and communication with our children and grandchildren, while still understanding their need for truth?
To start with, be honest. If you find yourself being fact-checked at every turn by a young person in your life, let them know it can make you feel uncomfortable. Help them to understand, in conversation, we don’t assume everyone is factually correct when they give an opinion. And while it’s OK to question someone about a statement made in a conversation, it’s not usually OK to interrupt the conversation to fact-check. Instead, participants may have to agree to disagree.
When having a conversation with a young person, it can be helpful to use words such as ‘I feel,’ rather than ‘I know.’ This leaves room for silent disagreement, or opens up a window where a young person can politely suggest a different way of looking at a situation without the need to fact-check.
Sometimes, the best way to avoid fact-checking (especially when particular topics have a ‘history’) is to agree, ahead of time, certain subjects are off the agenda. So, while you may be comfortable hearing about your child or grandchild’s homeless friend, and talking about how you can both help them, you would rather steer clear of where the blame lies for this situation.
Also, it goes without saying, one of the best ways to avoid fact-checkers spoiling casual conversation, is to agree to leave all devices switched off at the meal table during a family visit, or in any other situation where you want to enjoy each other’s company in a relaxed way. Let your child or teen know you’re always up for debate, but conversation is a different matter!