After years, or even decades, of shared life experiences, it’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves at a crossroads. Perhaps you and your spouse have grown apart, or maybe long-standing issues have come to a head. Even after 20, 30, or 40 years together, people change, and sometimes those changes lead to thoughts of separation or divorce. But before making any final decisions, it’s important to consider what’s at stake and explore ways to rekindle the bond that brought you together in the first place.
So, do you simply walk away from a life you’ve built together? Or is there something worth saving? If you believe there’s hope for your relationship, there are steps you can take right now to change the course of your marriage.
But, and it’s a significant ‘but’, this will require effort, humility, and the courage to examine your own actions and make meaningful changes. Here’s how you can start.
1. Step Back and Allow Space
If your partner is considering separation or divorce, respect their feelings and suggest a temporary break to give both of you time to think. Avoid chasing after them or bombarding them with calls—this could come across as disrespectful or dismissive of their feelings. Instead, allow them the space to reflect and perhaps even miss you.
During this time, focus on yourself. Remember you are a complete person on your own, capable of coping with whatever comes next. Taking a step back can help clarify why your spouse is unhappy and may also help them see what they miss about the relationship.
2. Seek Personal Therapy for Self-Reflection
Finding a therapist for yourself, rather than immediately opting for couples therapy, can be an invaluable step. While it may feel awkward at first, individual therapy allows you to confront your own demons, triggers, and expectations. It’s a safe space to process the hurts you’ve been holding onto and to gain clarity on the role you’ve played in your marriage’s current state.
This self-reflection can lead to personal growth, which is crucial whether or not your marriage survives. A healthier, happier you might just be what your spouse needs to see to reconsider the relationship.
3. Avoid the Temptation to Play Games
When someone you love wants to leave, it’s natural to feel hurt and angry. However, giving in to the temptation to ‘punish’ your partner by being uncooperative or spiteful will only make things worse. Instead, work through your emotions privately, possibly with the help of your therapist, and aim to collaborate with your spouse rather than against them.
For example, if your spouse wants to spend time with the family dog, don’t refuse out of spite. Make decisions that are kind and reasonable, and avoid making your emotions their problem. Remember, they aren’t doing this to hurt you; they’re acting on their own needs.
4. Embrace Forgiveness
No marriage is without its challenges, and it’s rarely about who’s right or wrong. To move forward, both partners need to be willing to forgive. Holding onto resentment over past mistakes will only hinder your ability to rebuild a stronger, happier marriage.
Your partner is just as human and flawed as you are, and recognizing this can help you let go of grievances and move towards healing.
5. Keep the Kids Out of It
Regardless of their age, your children should not be drawn into the conflict between you and your spouse. Using them as a sounding board or involving them in the details of your marital issues can be incredibly damaging.
Of course, you’ll need to inform them about what’s happening, but keep the details to a minimum. Assure them they are loved, no matter what, and you respect your spouse. Speak positively and avoid trying to turn them—or anyone else—against your partner. This will protect your children and help maintain a more amicable relationship with your spouse.
6. Suggest Couples Therapy as a Next Step
Once you’ve done some self-reflection and given each other space, consider inviting your spouse to join you in couples therapy. This isn’t just another therapy session—it’s an opportunity to openly discuss what hasn’t been working and why. With the help of a professional, you can both express your feelings without fear of causing an argument and revisit the reasons you fell in love in the first place.
Couples therapy can also provide a plan for moving forward together, helping you rediscover the joy and happiness that first brought you together.
7. Cultivate New Interests
What does finding a new hobby have to do with saving your marriage? More than you might think. By engaging in new activities, you not only fill your time while working through marital issues, but you also rediscover who you are as an individual.
When your spouse sees you enjoying life and embracing new experiences, they might be reminded of the qualities they fell in love with. It’s also essential for both of you to feel like whole, independent people as you work to strengthen your relationship.
If It Doesn’t Work Out, You Still Win
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, separation and divorce are inevitable. The good news? If you’ve followed these steps, you’ll have grown as a person and be better equipped to find joy and happiness in the next phase of your life.
By handling the situation with grace and respect, you’ll likely save on legal fees and have a better chance of maintaining a cordial relationship with your spouse—especially important if you share assets or are co-parenting.
No matter the outcome, approaching this challenging time with honesty, clarity, and bravery will leave you happier and more fulfilled in the long run.