It’s your 40th anniversary. Or perhaps your 14th. The years don’t really matter because although the congratulations are ringing out, you actually feel a fraud – because you and your partner are no longer emotionally attached. Your friends have become more important to you than each other; you’ve ceased taking an interest in each other’s day-to-day activities, you don’t go out together, don’t plan holidays together, don’t watch a movie together, and barely speak unless it’s necessary. Intimacy, of any sort, is not on the agenda. You may have tried in the recent past to reinvigorate the relationship but the energy for this is simply no longer there. What’s worse, you now irritate each other: there’s sniping, and a lack of forgiveness or understanding. If this sounds like you, you could be experiencing relationship fatigue.
Unlike a spur of the moment ‘row,’ relationship fatigue sneaks up gradually, and is more likely to occur in long term relationships where partners have begun to take each other for granted. It’s the point where emotional ‘laziness’ has crept in. The consequence is you may find you’re living like two badly suited flatmates. Or as business partners rather than a couple. Possibly, you’re sleeping in separate bedrooms for no good reason, or on some flimsy pretext. Either way, whether it’s one sided, or due to the actions of both partners, affection, compliments, and warmth are absent. In this vacuum, apathy can lead to resentment, indifference to frustration, and lack of communication to loneliness. What’s more, this state isn’t temporary – it’s ongoing – and it frequently leads to stress and a desire to escape he relationship. Yet, if a couple is willing, or if even one in the relationship is prepared to make a start, there is still the possibility of repair. Below, we offer some suggestions to help make it happen:
- Start by talking to your partner about how you feel your relationship has become stale. Let them know you want to repair what you see as relationship fatigue and you want it to be a two way effort.
- Your partner may hear and understand what you’re saying, but not know how to address your concerns. That’s why it can help to give practical suggestions. If you do this, do it in a non-confrontational way using ‘I statements” such as: “I miss doing stuff with you – could we go for a walk (or a coffee/movie/drive) together?”
- Listen to your partner’s reply without criticism, but be gently persistent (if they don’t like your suggestion of what to do together, ask them what they would prefer).
- Voice your need for affection, don’t just keep hoping it will happen (it may be your partner is afraid to give you a cuddle in case it’s rejected).
- Appreciate and compliment the care which still exists (even if it’s as simple as being poured a cup of tea or having the bed made).
- Spend time apart doing things you enjoy individually. Then be sure to talk about the experiences with each other (part of the reason for relationship fatigue is couples run out of conversation!).
- Double check your reaction when you feel your partner is being short with you (are they really or is it your own sense of relationship loss that has you feeling this way?).
- Take the opportunity to be physically close in small ways (it can be as simple as sitting together on the couch rather than in separate chairs, or having dinner together at the table rather than on your knees in front of TV).
- Take time out for yourself to care for your physical and mental health. Exercise, healthy eating, and socialising can improve your sense of well-being enough to help you tackle your relationship fatigue with confidence.
- Keep a diary so you remain aware of any improvements in your relationship.
- Seek out couples counselling (research suggests that 70% of couple who attend couples counselling benefit from it).
Relationship fatigue isn’t uncommon at any stage in a couple’s life together, but especially as we grow older. Taking the time to repair and refresh a relationship means a more enriching life for you both.