Feeling inadequate in social situations is a problem we usually associate with awkward teenagers. However, there are many adults who also experience this same difficulty. We’re not talking about ‘social phobia’ here, which is a serious mental health issue (if you experience ‘social phobia’ it’s important to seek out professional help). We’re talking about wishing we could feel more relaxed in the company of others, and wanting to be better at making conversation (especially with those we don’t know well or are meeting for the first time). The good news is, we’ve gathered together some tips (below) on this very subject. We hope you enjoy test-driving them!
Party prep
Not knowing anyone else at a gathering can be daunting. To break the ice, head to another solo guest, a couple, or a small group, and introduce yourself upfront with: “Hi, I’m xxx, and I don’t know another soul here!” Your honesty will create a smile and warm up the atmosphere. Follow up by asking the connection others have with the host, and explain your own. Ask open ended questions rather than those requiring a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. This might include: “What do you do with your time?” or “Who else do you know here, tonight?” If conversation is getting nowhere, have an exit line up your sleeve (such as “Excuse me, I’m just going to find a bite to eat”).
Balancing act
When meeting someone for the first time, take a back seat in the conversation (unless they’re particularly shy, themselves). Actively listening, rather than doing all the talking, will help others warm to you. It will also create a sense of mystery about yourself. If you’re asked a question, answer with interest, don’t be withholding, but keep it to a few brief sentences before returning the conversation to the person who asked it, or to someone else in the group. This doesn’t mean you can never have the floor – it’s just not a good look initially.
Side stepping
One of the most awkward aspects of conversing with those you don’t know well, is being asked for your opinion on a subject you may know nothing about. But rather than run for cover, have a few simple replies up your sleeve which can help you side-step the moment. This might be something such as, “It’s not something I’ve thought a lot about, but I’d be interested to hear what you (or ‘others’ if there are several in the group) think. You can also reply with something light and amusing such as “I suspect I missed out on the politics [or whatever the subject being spoken about is] gene!”
Help the host – but not for too long!
When finding yourself alone at a gathering, it’s long been suggested that you can ‘offer to help the host’ as a way of breaking the ice. That’s a good idea – but use it to your advantage rather than as a way to disappear into the background. If you’re passing around food, recommend something on the platter, and linger long enough to ask the guest what they think of it. Continue the conversation with light banter. Perhaps you might explain you didn’t actually make the food yourself. When you’ve made one or two contacts in this way, ditch the platter, arm yourself with a drink, and head back to your contacts to pursue some real conversation.
Boring is better than nothing
Life’s not perfect – and neither is conversation. If you’re on your own at a gathering, or meeting someone for the first time, don’t expect to be a hundred percent interested in what they have to say. That’s unlikely to be the purpose of your conversation (at least for a start). The purpose is to simply spend time in the other person’s company until either you warm to each other in a real way or (harsh though it may sound) you spot another person or group to head to.
Good luck with following through on these tips. Practise them often, and be sure to let us know if they help!