Rejection is hard, and it comes in many guises and from many directions. It’s also a particularly difficult assault on our emotions because it impacts our innermost self – the part we believe in, the part we (used to) trust. What’s more, rejection somehow has the ability to bypass emotions such as anger or frustration (which we can usually do something about by debating or venting). Instead, it attacks the most vulnerable areas of our psyche, leaving us feeling sad, lost, insecure, hurt, and lacking in confidence.
Sometimes, rejection comes from a professional source. It might be from a potential employer who turns down our job application, or it could be in the form of a less-than-tactful criticism from a client about a piece of work or art we’ve produced. But, more often, rejection comes from those who are closest to us. Because they are the very people we might turn to when we’re upset, it delivers a double whammy.
From serious cases of rejection (such as relationship breakups and infidelities), to more minor incidences (such as an adult child’s criticism of your clothing choice, or an unkind remark on social media), rejection is something to be tackled head on before it leaves you feeling depressed, anxious and isolated. Fortunately, many others have walked the rejection path before you, and some of their valuable suggestions, will help you weather the storm, and come out the other side – very possibly stronger than before. So, read on!
Accept the feeling
We waste a lot of emotional energy (and time) fighting off the feelings caused by rejection. We might try to brush off a comment as ‘nothing to get concerned about’, or tell ourselves we’re ‘being too sensitive’. However, it’s far better to name the emotion the rejection has brought about in us, and accept it. Saying ‘I feel so hurt’ or ‘I’m so disappointed’ takes the stress out of the situation, and is the start of moving on.
Keep it in perspective
When we’ve been rejected, the one incident that caused it will play over and over in our mind. The more we focus on it, the more other, positive, experiences tend to disappear off our radar. So, take out a pen and paper, and note down a list of similar situations where you haven’t faced rejection. For example, if the rejection involves being turned down for a job, list all the times you have won a position you’ve applied for. If a friend has left you off an invitation list, write down the name of friends who have invited you out in the last six months.
Take stock
When rejection is designed to intentionally hurt (such as an unkind comment from a friend about a choice you’ve made), it’s most unlikely to be true. In this case, the best policy is to wait and watch. The person who made the comment will soon reveal the real reason for their rejection of you – and it will be about themselves, not you! It may be they’re unhappy with their relationship or job, under stress, or are experiencing some form of rejection themselves. Waiting and watching can be a distraction from your own feelings of hurt. It can also give the ‘rejector’ time to apologise.
Listen and learn
If a rejection isn’t designed to deliberately hurt (for example, you’ve been notified you’re not the best candidate for a volunteer charity-shop job you’ve applied for), try seeing it as an opportunity to learn. It may, for example, be better if you applied for a volunteer library job because you’re an avid reader, rather than a charity-shop position when you’ve had no retail experience. Used positively, rejection has the power to set you up for success next time round.
However you handle rejection, one thing’s for sure – the negative feelings it engenders won’t disappear immediately. Use your tactics, and while you wait for things to improve, surround yourself with friends, and pamper yourself with positive, fun experiences.