In the news last week, 18 year old Rachel Canning was suing her parents[1]. It is tempting to just roll our eyes and say, “Only in America!” but the issues in this case would resonate with thousands of Kiwi parents. The news has painted the whole affair in black and white: she is just a spoiled, greedy girl who can’t handle her poor parents’ rules, and now she is after their money. Of course, I’m looking at this situation from half a planet away through the distorted lens of the media (internet media at that), but even at this distance I can see the issues are more complex. I don’t know how I’d fix this sad situation – the battle lines are set, the attitudes seem too hardened and the family looks almost irreparably split – but I do have some ideas that might help other parents avoid a train wreck like the Canning family.
Hold on tight as children transition into adulthood. Older teenagers pose a tricky problem: you have reduced authority (Rachel is eighteen and so the law says she is an adult) but they are still immature. Rachel has an awesome brain (a top student and a scholarship winner) but even the best brains don’t do their best thinking until their mid-twenties or later, and maturity is more a measure of wisdom than intellect. You have to speak to them as adults (listen to your own voice as you speak to them and ask yourself, “Do I speak to any other adult with this tone of voice?”) but still be aware that they are children, especially when they offend you. Rachel Canning gave awful vulgar insults to her parents – they would have offended anyone – but the awful words are a reminder that they are dealing with an immature child. This stage will pass and it will get better as long as you don’t keep picking at it.
There are a lot more tips for all parents at The Parenting Place.com
[1] http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/americas/9796595/Parents-in-tears-as-teen-daughter-sues