So it is not surprising the kids like her better than me. She’s nicer. I’ve worked hard to be a good dad – involved, kind, caring… but it is no contest, really. I think all kids like their mums more – they are softer, cuddlier, sweeter voiced, the built in lunch bar… what’s not to like? Some Dads get a bit jealous but I think most of us just accept this as a fact.
One of the saddest things I read about the fighting at Gallipolli was about the wounded men lying out in no-man’s land – and they were crying for their mothers. Mums have first place. Yes, I have met people who get on better with their Dads than their Mums but that is so rare the exceptions stick in my mind – generally, and certainly at our place, Mum is the Queen of hearts for everyone. Which means, if I want to have a good relationship with my kids, and I do, I better stay close to my wife. If I stuff up that relationship, it will be so much harder to stay close to my kids. They would punish me. I’ve seen it with my mates: when they parted from their partner, it made it much harder to have a relationship with their kids.
And here’s the thing – some of my mates, whose marriages have gone belly up, are actually better blokes than me. So my moral high ground isn’t very high here – if you’ve had a relationship that’s come unstuck you’ll not get anything except sympathy from me; you’ll certainly not get moral preaching or condemnation, because I know it is really, really hard work to stay married, even though, as I say, my wife is very,very nice.
And two attitudes have helped immensely: gratitude and grace. Gratitude: can you remember at high school wondering, how on earth will I ever be able to con any woman into liking me, let alone marrying me? Well the miracle happened. Naomi has given me the gift of herself for the whole of her life! She even sleeps with me! I’m grateful! Gratitude is recognising the wonderful nature of our partner, and Grace is knowing not everything is wonderful about our partner and loving her anyway. Nobody is perfect, nobody really knows their partner when they marry them, they age and change, and years together gives lots of time to discover each others faults and foibles… grace is a loving acceptance.
So grace and gratitude help us stay together. As a Dad, the best thing I can do is keep my wife, and thereby keep my kids.