All families experience conflict. It can appear to flare up out of nothing, be triggered by a major event, decision or change or run like a constant, running sore that can fester under the surface for years or decades as a result of abuse, an affair or a swindle.
Learning to disagree positively sometimes seems the hardest thing. When there is a strong conflict of opinion over an issue, it is important to separate out damning the person and making the problem all about them as opposed to staying focussed on the actual problem.
Questions to get to the root of family conflict
Asking questions like: Was there a time when this problem didn't exist? How long has the problem gone on for? What's happening when things are better? What do you need to do to get more of that? What do you need to do less of to make things better? Honest answers to these questions can help to contribute to a better understanding of the root cause of the conflict and how it is currently managed within the family.
A better understanding of the nature of family conflict can act like a shrink-ray on the more overwhelming aspects of the impasse and zap it down to size so that some kind of resolution is possible.
Managing conflict learnt in birth families
It's a dog eat dog world and we learn how to respond to conflict and disagreement in our own families. That's the place where we begin to learn the nature of power, our responsibilities, how to manage mistakes, the value of truth and lies, and how we want the world to see us, how we are going to respond if people try to block or disagree with us and how to react to unfair situations in learning to carve our places in the world. So if we learn destructive behaviours and don't work to change them, our children learn the same destructive behaviours and carry those same consequences into their lives.
Better managing reactions
A constructive step in the management of family conflict is learning to manage your anger so that you don't automatically react but choose to respond in a way that will foster a desired outcome. Pull out your problem solving skills to find an agreed, desired outcome or a compromise that you can all work to. For instance, in a divorce parents have to find a way to put their children's needs first over their own seething, difficult emotions. Learning to communicate in a way that rapidly shuts down the potential for a full scale shouting match is easier if there are some basic ground rules like "This is a difficult time, but we want the kids to come through it as well as they can so we will agree to …put the kids first in our communication with each other and…"
Families are complicated and no one solution fits all but there is some real gold online around this issue.
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