Read more from Eva-Maria here
*as published in Family Times*
Household Chores is probably one of the most debated issues within a household. As your kids grow up, and ultimately become teenagers, provided they haven't left home, a lot of conflict may arise from misunderstandings about what the responsibilities at home are.
I remember being a teenager, and this is probably the way I can most help advise parents – not because others haven't been teenagers, but perhaps because as we grow older, we forget what we used to be like some time ago, so offering the perspective of teens has been the secret to my success. Anyway, when I was a teenager, I remember coming home one day, exhausted after a sports day at school, ready to watch some 'deserved' TV. What I found myself in was not what I was expecting – a screaming match with my Dad who was nagging me to do the dishes. "Do the dishes? It's 4pm! Pfff I have a whole another 8 hours left until the end of day (my amazing logical teenage rationale) – what's his problem? I'll get onto it… at some point…" What I didn't understand in all my naivety was understanding where he was coming from. All I wanted to do was have my freedom after my 'exhausting' day at school, and the least I thought I could do at home was exercise my right to blob around; after all, I was an adult, or so I thought…
Many parenting authors claim that teens today are hard, and annoying, and have way too much freedom. I'm not one of those, but I am one that likes to keep reminding parents that in today's world, teens are hard to parent, not because they are un-contactable (we have cell phones for that now), or that parents don't know what their teens are up to (there's Facebook for that), but that teens today do not know the boundaries. Pretty much it is because children today are raised to believe that they literally can be anything they want to be, and growing up in a world that gives us that much scope for what we can do, is intimidating – we have no idea where the boundaries are, because all we hear is that we can do ANYTHING. And in our teenage minds, anything really does mean ANYTHING. So we're not sure where the boundaries are – it's as simple as that.
What may seem to be common-sense for parents, isn't necessarily the same thought pattern of teenagers, unless they are given strict guidelines, or rules to enforce where the black and white areas are. For a parent, it's important to realize that if you haven't set out the black and white areas, teenagers are more than happy to make up their own rules in their head of what is acceptable and what is not, and if they ever get caught out, their alibi is that 'they didn't know the rules'. And THAT is dangerous.
This article was actually inspired by an article written by Dr. James Wellborn on Your Teen for Parents about why teens need chores. Have a look at one of the questions he was sent:
Question: I am embarrassed to admit this, but my teenager is a slob and we pick up after him. He walks into the house and deposits all of his personal belongings on the floor. Worse yet, when he finishes an apple, he leaves the core on the table. He has no household responsibilities. What should I do?
After doing some of my own research and asking around, most people my age (early twenties) claimed that this sounds exactly like any other teenager. I think this is a good starting point: that does sound exactly like any teenager out there, and through the ages, teenagers and their attitudes haven't actually changed, it's just the way parents react to their attitudes and what they do to balance this out in their household that is different. As I explained before, today's teens know no boundaries, and it's just because parents who are the ones supposed to be enforcing these boundaries are falling short. Not all parents, but a great deal, if statistics is anything to go by. Statistics NZ numbers show that youth in this country up to their early twenties are by far the largest statistic of those moving out of home.
A quick look on Google shows that there are millions of articles written for parents about how to kick their teens out of home, and advice for teens wanting to move out of home. Unfortunately, even when they move out, chores will not be something they can avoid, so whether you can't wait for your teen to move out, or are happy for them to stick around, it's best to instil the household responsibilities while you still have them around.
So the real answer is in the actual question: the teenager in question does not know their boundaries, and have literally no responsibilities. Responsibilities at home are very important, so here are a few tips to keep in mind, so you don't end up in the same situation as the mother asking the question above:
1. Give them the rules.
Spell them out, write them down. Make a chart that you put up on the fridge, or somewhere in a visible place in the house. Just like a well-organised flat, give everyone responsibilities they can stick to, and can execute to their abilities. It's also good because when something isn't done, you can refer back to this chart.
2. Communicate the rules.
Make sure the rules are clear. If the task is to do the dishes, spell out that the task ALSO involves, for example, not only stacking the dishwasher, but also unloading it. Again, if you don't make the rules clear, it's easy for teens to stray away from responsibility (and they're very good at doing that – trust me, I was!)
3. Keep calm.
Just because your teen hasn't vacuumed by 6pm on their 'chores day', don't get too wound up. Some teens are great with their time management, and are probably planning to do this before midnight strikes. However if from experience you know that chores may be avoided by your teen, give them a gentle reminder. If you want to avoid conflict as much possible, perhaps on your chores chart, also give a time when the chores must be done, or at least the time they must be done by. Again, you'll see here my theme of enforcing strict, exact rules that are hard to avoid or bring about any confusion.
4. Have clear consequences.
What will it mean if the chores are not done on time? Perhaps this is something you must sit down and discuss with your teen when you're making the chores chart. The consequence must be something that will motivate them to do the chores. If taking their phone away for two hours is what you see as a consequence and you are the one to suggest it, your teen will quickly start weighing up whether it's worth it to do the chores, and if they decide that having their phone taken away is not that big of a deal, you may find lots of chores not getting done, you'll have to stick to the rules and take away their phone thinking they'll learn the lesson, when in fact, they are just using loopholes to get around not doing them. So talk the consequences over with them, and make them substantial.
5. Lead by example – everyone has a part to play.
The beauty of the chores chart is that you can assign tasks to everyone – it does not mean you must do an equal amount of chores as your teen, in fact, I advise you do the minimal amount because, after all, you ARE the one paying the mortgage or rent on your home, and from my hindsight and 'wise' years of experience, it should be the teen's responsibility to help out as much as they can. But make sure that they see that you're doing something as well so they don't feel you're purely taking advantage.
So what process have you figured out at home that helps you and your teens live in chore-harmony?