Ah, the empty nest: A clean and orderly home. Time to pursue those hobbies put on the back burner during the busy-ness of raising a family. Ideally, there’s even a little extra disposable income. That is, until one of your adult-children (which has been deliberately hyphenated, as the following describes kids, no matter what their age!), returns from overseas, is in between jobs or relationships and decides to head back to good old Mum and Dad.
“It’s only temporary,” they say, “just till I get back on my feet/find a job/pay off my student loan/decide what I am doing with my life…”
Lucky Mum and Dad! Time to dive back into parenting – putting your needs second, opening your chequebook and home, and caring for an oversized toddler for goodness knows how long. That is, unless you treat your adult-child more like an adult and allow them less room to slide back into childhood.
Of course, it goes without saying parents will always try to help their children when they can, regardless of their age. When it comes to boomerang kids who seem to keep coming back, you need to define your roles clearly, so the arrangement works equally well for everyone.
If your adult-children want to ‘move back home’ for a while, there needs to be ground rules. Discuss the expectations of both you as parents and your ‘kids’ in terms of how you both expect the arrangement to work, and for how long. What are the rights and responsibilities?
As an adult-child, they may feel aggrieved if their parents make comments about their work (or lack thereof) or activity level, but beggars cannot necessarily be choosers. However, in the interests of family harmony, it is best to make clear, non judgemental rules from the outset.
Instead of saying, ‘You’re not trying hard enough to find a job and this can’t go on forever,’ talk about what you expect. Discuss goals for hours per day spent networking and searching for jobs, what help you expect around the house (from cleaning, to cooking to mowing the lawns), what financial contribution you expect (if any), and set a time frame you are happy to have them stay.
Lay down some ground rules for privacy. In a house full of adults, this is important. Your adult-children will have become accustomed to keeping their own schedules without answering to anyone.
While it’s understandable to offer support to adult-children during their transition period, it’s equally important to encourage their independence. Instead of taking over their responsibilities, guide and motivate them to take charge of their own lives. Offer assistance when necessary, but also empower them to make their own decisions and take action.
Don’t nag about what time they come home – unless they are loud and inconsiderate and it contravenes your agreement.
Don’t go and collect their dirty washing from their room and cook every meal, if it will lead to resentment on your behalf. It’s fair to ask an adult child to text you if they are going out rather than coming home for dinner – this does not constitute nagging, it’s just good manners.
Do be very clear when it comes to financial matters – if there is board to pay, require it on time. Discuss the terms of any loans in a businesslike manner and document them in writing.
Despite the challenges, having adult-children back home can provide an opportunity for quality time and bonding. Find activities that everyone can enjoy together, such as family dinners, outings, or shared hobbies. Emphasize the positive aspects of the arrangement and appreciate the chance to strengthen the family bond.
On the bright side, adult-children and parents alike benefit from extra time together, you can have a whole lot of fun and all feel great about feeling supported and valued on both sides. It only takes a bit of clear communication and flexibility but getting to know your adult children a little better can be very rewarding and strengthen your bond with them in the future.