How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up your cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if you were holding a baby. Position your right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to its cheeks while holding the pill in right hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop the pill in. Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat from behind the sofa. Cradle the cat in your left arm and repeat the process.
3. Retrieve the cat from bedroom and throw the soggy pill away.
4. Take a new pill from foil wrap, cradle the cat in your left arm, holding the rear paws tightly with your left hand. Force the jaws open and push the pill to back of its mouth with your right forefinger. Hold cat’s mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve the pill from the goldfish bowl and the cat from top of the wardrobe. Call your spouse for assistance.
6. Kneel on the floor with the cat wedged firmly between your knees. Hold the front and rear paws. Ignore the low growls emitted by the cat. Get your spouse to hold the cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into it’s mouth. Drop the pill down the ruler and rub the cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve the cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from the foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair the curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap the cat in a large towel and get your spouse to lie on the cat with the head just visible from below armpit. Put the pill in end of a drinking straw, force the cat’s mouth open with a pencil and blow it down the drinking straw.
9. Check the label to make sure the pill is not harmful to humans, and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to your spouse’s forearm and remove the blood from the carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve the cat from your neighbour’s shed. Get another *”:%^ pill. Open another beer. Place the cat in a cupboard and close the door on its neck and leave head showing. Force its mouth open with a dessert-spoon. Flick the pill down its throat with an elastic band.
11. Fetch a screwdriver from garage and put the cupboard door back on its hinges. Drink another beer. Fetch a bottle of scotch. Pour a shot, drink immediately. Apply a cold compress to your cheek and check your records for the date of your last tetanus shot. Apply a whisky compress to your cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away your t-shirt and fetch a new one from the bedroom.
12. Call the fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into the fence while swerving to avoid the cat. Take the last pill from the foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b@stard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind them tightly to leg of dining table. Find your heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push the pill into its mouth, followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold its head vertically and pour two pints of water down its throat to wash the pill down.
14. Consume the remainder of the scotch. Get a friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removes the pill remnants from your right eye. Call the furniture shop on the way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call the local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.