Think back to the last time you were on the receiving end of an unwanted comment at a social gathering. It won’t take you long to bring the situation to mind, because whether it was during the course of private conversation, or in the company of others, unwanted comments hit hard, and often knock us for six. The same can happen when we are privy to unwanted comments being directed at another.
For those of us who are quick on our feet, and who feel naturally confident, a suitable reply can be within easy reach, and making it seems effortless. However, the rest of us are often left floundering for words. What’s worse, we know we will spend the rest of the week going over in our heads all the responses we wish we had thought of at the time!
It’s a recipe for fury and frustration, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Although none of us wish to go about expecting to receive unwanted comments, the following tips can leave us feeling confident to defend ourselves and others (but only in situations where it is physically safe to do so):
1. Check out the facts
An unwanted comment isn’t acceptable. Before you formulate a reply, however, check out if what you think you heard is actually what was said. If you are in company, quietly ask another if they heard the same comment and if they interpret in the same way you do. Or politely interrupt the speaker (who may even have moved on to another subject) and calmly ask if they would mind repeating what they said (this request, alone, can often see the speaker retracting their words).
2. Bide your time
An unacceptable comment shocks (it’s usually intended to), but replying while in a shocked state won’t lead to a good outcome. Instead, don’t be afraid to let the speaker continue, or walk away. Because you are in charge of this situation, and you can reply when you are ready. So, do some deep breathing, take time to gather your wits, and allow the shock to subside. Then, approach (or even interrupt) the speaker with a restrained: “Excuse me Peter – I’m not comfortable with what you said a short time ago,” before letting them know why.
3. Dealing with the defensive
It’s not uncommon for someone who knows they are in the wrong, to defend themself rather than accept correction. This doesn’t mean you have to enter into debate with them. Once you have given your thoughts on the unwanted comment, listen to any excuse they may give, and if it is not satisfactory, simply reply: “Well, you can’t expect me to agree with you,” and walk quietly away. You have made your point.
4. You are not alone
When an unwanted comment is directed at another, and you wish to stand up for them, first allow them a moment or two to defend themselves. If they don’t, then tackle the speaker by engaging others in the group. You might say something like: “Peter, I’m sure everyone is as shocked as I am to hear you say that to Jude.” Don’t feel you need to stay to listen to any defence. Simply turn on your heel and walk away. You may very well find Jude, and others, follow you!
5. Divide and rule
If you sense the person making the unwanted comment has support from those around them, leave your reply until they are alone and therefore more vulnerable. Without support, they will be more able to reflect on what you are saying, and if they are not publicly shamed, they may well offer an apology.
When unwanted comments come your way, or are directed at another, the most important thing you can do is to remain calm, and pick the best moment to reply. And if you do receive an apology, remember to be gracious in accepting it.