It might begin innocently enough — a playful jab here, a sarcastic comment there. You laugh it off, maybe even respond in kind. After all, a bit of teasing can add spice to a budding romance.
However, over time, the tone shifts. The comments become sharper, more personal. They no longer feel like jokes but rather veiled criticisms. You mention your discomfort, only to be told you’re overreacting or too sensitive. “Can’t you take a joke?” they ask.
This pattern is a red flag. Verbal abuse often masquerades as humour, making it harder to identify and easier to dismiss. Yet, its impact is profound, eroding self-esteem and creating an imbalance of power in the relationship.
Understanding Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse that uses words to control, demean, or manipulate another person. It can include:
- Insults and name-calling: Derogatory remarks aimed at belittling you.
- Gaslighting: Making you doubt your perceptions or memories.
- Public humiliation: Criticising or mocking you in front of others.
- Blame-shifting: Holding you responsible for their abusive behaviour.
- Threats: Intimidating you with the possibility of harm or consequences.
Recognising these behaviours is the first step toward addressing them.
Practical Steps to Take
1. Trust Your Instincts
If something feels off, it probably is. Don’t dismiss your feelings. Pay attention to how interactions make you feel — anxious, belittled, or constantly on edge.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Communicate your limits assertively. For example:
- “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way.”
- “That comment was hurtful; please don’t say things like that.”
Observe their response. A respectful partner will acknowledge your feelings and adjust their behaviour.
3. Document Incidents
Keep a journal detailing instances of verbal abuse. Note dates, times, what was said, and how it made you feel. This record can be invaluable if you decide to seek professional help or legal action.
4. Seek Support
Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Sharing your experiences can provide perspective and emotional relief.
5. Educate Yourself
Understanding the dynamics of abuse can empower you. Resources like the Are You OK website offer information on recognising and dealing with abuse.
6. Develop a Safety Plan
If you feel unsafe, create a plan that includes:
- Identifying safe places to go.
- Keeping essential documents and items accessible.
- Having emergency contacts readily available.
7. Reach Out to Support Services
New Zealand offers several organisations that provide assistance:
- Are You OK: Offers information and tools to understand unsafe relationships and access support services.
- Shine: Provides a free helpline, advocacy, and safety programs for those experiencing domestic violence.
- New Zealand Police: Offers information on Protection Orders and Police Safety Orders.
- Family Violence Clearinghouse: A comprehensive resource with links to various support organisations.
- Women’s Refuge: New Zealand’s largest nationwide organisation helping women and children experiencing family violence. They offer 24/7 support, safe housing, and advocacy services.
8. Consider Professional Help
Therapists or counsellors specialising in abusive relationships can provide strategies to cope and heal. They can also assist in developing a plan to leave the relationship safely if necessary.
Verbal abuse is insidious — it often leaves no bruises, but it can deeply damage your self-esteem, confidence, and sense of self. What begins as teasing or sarcasm can evolve into a pattern of control, blame, and emotional harm. You may find yourself second-guessing your reactions, making excuses for their behaviour, or walking on eggshells to avoid another confrontation. But you are not overreacting, and you are not alone.
It’s never too early — or too late — to speak up. Whether you’re just beginning to feel uncomfortable or have been coping with this behaviour for a long time, reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. There are people and services ready to support you, listen to you without judgment, and help you find the clarity and confidence to move forward.
A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, kindness, and care — not fear or control. You deserve nothing less.
