There’s a funny meme that regularly does the rounds on social media – ‘some people are like clouds – once they go away, it’s a beautiful day.’
It’s fair to say that even (or especially!) your nearest and dearest will drive you a bit mad occasionally, but if there are people in your life who really seem toxic or drag you down, it may be time for a ‘social audit.’
In everyone’s life, there will always be people who will resist, threaten and sabotage the possibility of self-improvement. Some people resent progress in others for a variety of reasons; they may be jealous of other friendships you have, they may have unfulfilled dreams that your progress highlights, they may be scared of change.
Friends or people with whom you regularly interact should be supportive, enjoyable to be around and honest. If you find a person or people is not that to you – why are they still in your life?
Humans have an inherent desire to be liked, so the thought of making unpleasantness explicit can be distressing. The question is – what is most important to you – your personal worth and beliefs, or the potential risk of upsetting someone?
That is not to say write off anyone who upsets or disagrees with you immediately. If someone is important to you, speak to them openly and honestly. Decide how much they mean to you and use the appropriate amount of effort to try and resolve any issues you have.
Use positive language and be clear about what you’d like from the relationship. It can be a habit to get together with someone and have a good grizzle, but it may not leave you with a good feeling afterwards. Suggest doing something different – explain that you are making changes in your life and would like to try a new way of relating.
If you feel like someone is an energy thief or otherwise toxic in your life (constantly complaining without attempting to make any changes, negative about you, nit-picky or critical, jealous or manipulative), and you have tried your best to talk to them, then create some space. They may not want to be any different, in which case you are better off without them. They may not be ready to make changes to their behaviour, so creating space without a confrontation can leave the door ajar for resumption of the relationship in the future.
Toxic people try to control you. Strange as it might sound, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through overt methods or subtle manipulation.
Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that is toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well adjusted adults.
Give and take is the lifeblood of true friendship. Toxic people take, without giving. Sometimes you need a hand, and sometimes your friend does, but in the end it should more or less even out.
Toxic people find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated or been harsh. They simply aren’t honest, nor do they take responsibility for their impact on others.
A good friend will debate decisions with you constructively, if you have asked for advice. They should never undermine you or make you feel uncomfortable about improving yourself and making progress.
Getting rid of difficult people isn’t always easy. If they don’t respect boundaries, then it may take rather a process to get through to them. Be firm and resolute. Make a stand for yourself, if you aren’t being heard, then don’t offer a long explanation. be clear, honest and brief.
Block them on social media. This feels like a big step sometimes, but it is liberating – you don’t need snide comments or judgements online any more than you do in person.
Consider writing a letter. Writing yourself a letter is a sort of dress rehearsal for an in-person conversation. You’re clarifying your thoughts and articulating your feelings. You can also refer back to the letter later, if you need to remember why you made the decision to cut someone out.
The trickiest situation is when the person you are struggling with is a family member. Family has a unique way of getting under your skin. Do remember that relatives don’t own you simply by virtue of being blood. You may have to be more creative and distance yourself emotionally rather than in entirety. Small talk at group functions can be light and impersonal – stop sharing deep thoughts and feelings in the first instance and divert conversations that make you uncomfortable. You can make this decision and take action without involving or impacting others.
The important thing with family is to tread lightly and make calm, rational decisions, because how you deal with a family member can impact your entire family relationship. There are often larger ripple effects in a family than there are in a friendship or workplace.
It can be hard to have to remove people from your life, but see it as a positive: you are prioritising your own sense of worth and protecting your personal boundaries. People who love and support you will acknowledge and honour your decision.