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"Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself." – Ralph Waldo Emerson
As I promised last month I would like to talk about a book that is getting a lot of good press at the moment. It is called ‘The Happiness Trap’ and its author is Russ Harris, who currently lives in Melbourne.
What we know about happiness
In the past I have written quite a lot about happiness and positive psychology. A lot of what I have said has been on the themes of:
- Think positively
- Repeat affirmations to counter negative thoughts
- Bolster your self-esteem
- Be grateful etc etc.
Harris argues that a lot of the approaches to finding happiness are sometimes the very things that may cause us to be unhappy. The so-called trap he describes as “To find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.”
He also says that if this approach is so very successful and is widely known why do we have so much depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems in our world today?
What does happiness really mean?
This trap comes from the definition of happiness as feeling good. ‘The Happiness Trap’ suggests a different definition of happiness: living a rich, meaningful and fulfilling life. Living such a life doesn’t automatically mean we’re feeling good all the time. We will still have negative feelings and challenges to overcome. The goal of ‘The Happiness Trap’ then is to give us strategies to deal with negative feelings without denying them.
So what can we actually do to become happier?
Harris offers us six core principles.
1. Defusion: Painful or unpleasant thoughts are defused by various techniques such as giving them a name. If we notice such a thought instead of suppressing or denying it, we can create some distance by saying “I’m having the thought that …” In doing so we put some distance between the thought and us.
2. Expansion: consists of making room inside ourselves for unpleasant or negative thoughts and feelings.
3. Connection: being fully aware of your here and now. If you like ‘being present’ rather than focusing on what has passed or what may happen in the future.
4. Distinguishing between your thinking self and observing self. He offers us particular ways where we can ‘observe ourselves’ and particularly our minds in much the same way as we may observe any other part of our body. He suggests various techniques to get us out of our thinking self and to observe ourselves.
5. Values: what kind of person are you and want to be? What is significant and meaningful to you? What do you stand for?
6. Committed action: All of this business about being objective and mindful must be followed by a commitment to action. He argues that this is the one area where we have absolute control. It is up to us what we decide to do.
Happiness is more than just feeling good
If we believe that happiness is the same as feeling good, we are constantly going to be struggling. Expecting to feel good all the time is like expecting a crocodile to be your best friend. You will soon be disappointed. The author argues that rather than focusing on ‘happiness’ and ‘feeling good’ we should consider a term like ‘vitality’: a sense of being fully alive and embracing each moment of life, regardless of how we are feeling in that moment.
If you would like more information about this and where to get the book please contact me.
“A promise is a cloud; fulfillment is rain”- Arabian Proverb
Ron Tustin
Revive and Thrive Coaching
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www.reviveandthrivecoaching.com
info@rtc.org.nz
Ph 0800 003679
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