ANGER and bargaining.
Anger can be a frustrating emotion to work out. Sometimes it is obvious who you are angry with and other times the identification of the source of it can be elusive. For example, a pretty common recipient of the anger is the person who has died. Why did you leave me? Now what’s going to happen to me? How could you do this to me? Reading it on paper you can probably see that it is irrational to direct it at a person who is no longer here. Grief has no rationality about it and odd thoughts can surface at any given moment.
The way a person has died may have some relevance to the anger. Should the person have died after surgery, you may feel like blaming the doctor or the hospital or look to someone else to give you a valid reason why your loved had to die. A long drawn out death may leave you with feelings of anger towards the medical people who prolonged the agony or illness if you wanted your loved one not to have suffered if they were terminal anyway.
A suicide tends to bring out more feelings of anger than most. Many times directed at other friends or family members who you may feel contributed in some way to the decision of the person who has chosen to take their own life. Or situations in the social circle with friends, employment issues or financial worries can give you a good source of people to blame and direct your anger toward.
The worst type of anger and blame is towards yourself as this brings on the guilty feelings and the remorse and the “if onlys ” which can be soul destroying. “If only I had done this or that they would still be here.” You may feel anger toward yourself that you were powerless to save them.
You can find yourself bargaining with a higher power… “If you bring them back then I will do this… Or “I would give anything to have them back “.
Anger towards a government for not giving enough funds to medical research, proper health care funding or inadequate money for carers can also be a reason. Sometimes it is an unidentifiable reason and one that just has to be lived through until it gets a little easier.
My advice to people who are stuck in some way with unresolved anger issues is to sit down in a quiet place and write it down. Sometimes seeing something in black and white can put a more positive slant on it and a remedy could be at hand simply by reading it back or getting it out of your system. I would suggest burning these papers up after you have read them back and along with it do some positive affirmations to ensure that the anger goes along with it.
My workshops and seminars always include some meditation and writing, positive affirmations and plenty of music. I have heard other people advising you to punch pillows, go to the top of a hill and shout it out or run until you are exhausted… My favourite one is to put some music on, turn up the volume, sing and dance and turn the anger into gratitude for the time you were able to spend with your loved one and appreciation that you are still on this beautiful earth. Go for a long walk in a forest or along a deserted beach. You need to reconnect with your place in the world and understand that death comes to us all and it is not usually anyone else’s fault.
Take care of yourself and each other,
Love Glenda