Read more articles from Ron Tustin. For people itchy to make things better
Sometimes we come across an idea or read a book that brings together some of the thoughts we may have been thinking about for some time. These may be presented in a structure or in a story that makes enormous sense to us. And it may ultimately affect how we behave over the long term. I recently had such an experience when I read "Just Listen" by Mark Goulston.
In this book Goulston goes through some very practical steps about how we can get through to other people at a time when we may be becoming desperate about communicating with them at all. He likens the approach to driving up a steep hill in too high a gear. If you carry on or perhaps even accelerate then the tyres will skid and eventually you cannot go forward. But if you change down to a lower gear you will gain control of the vehicle again. It's like pulling the road up to meet you. Similarly when we are with other people we may encourage, persuade, sometimes argue and push. But in return they may resist. The good news is that there are proven and researched ways where we can gain traction and work through the difficulties.
Motivational Interviewing
The author starts with a concept that has been around for a while – motivational interviewing. This was originally trialled and employed very successfully with people with alcohol and drug and other addictions. It has also been used successfully in many other spheres of human behaviour. Essentially it identifies various stages that we all go through when we are changing a behaviour. At each of these stages we may resist or stay locked into a particular way of doing things.
The skills the author describes to persuade people are about how we work with 'resisters' so they can move on to listening, to considering the issue, to being willing to do something about it, to actually doing it, to being glad that they did it and continuing to do it. There are several ways to do this in what Goulston calls the 'persuasion cycle'.
Getting 'Buy-In'
The essential component to persuading people, he contends, is to get 'buy-in'. And buy-in rarely comes from what we may tell others. Rather it comes from what we are able to get them to tell us and what happens in their minds at the same time. Consequently, whether we are talking somebody down off a window ledge or asking for a better working relationship, the techniques involve wanting them to do something in the process.
If this captures your attention you will need to read the book for the details of the tools suggested, but essentially they involve things like:
- Mirroring back (listening carefully and repeating back) the person's feelings even if you do not agree with them.
- Really listening rather than placing too many filters in the way, (e.g think of a problem person you may know, think of how you may describe them, then think of any possible secrets that may underlie this behaviour, such as 'she got burned by a previous encounter')
- Feeling felt or acknowledging how that person may be feeling.
- Being interested rather than just interesting to others. The concept of being curious about the other person is an enormously important part of our 'persuasion' arsenal.
"The measure of self-assurance is how deeply and sincerely interested you are in others. The measure of insecurity is how much you try to impress them with you.'
- Asking and allowing them to speak and to speak and to speak, through replies such as hmmm and 'tell me more'.
- What Goulston calls 'baring your neck'. By showing our own vulnerability, by saying "I'm afraid" or "I'm lonely" or "I don't know how to get through this" the other person will mirror your feelings. This leads to a desire to help… and a desire to find a solution.
'Vulnerability doesn't make you weak. It makes you accessible. Know that your vulnerability can be your strength.' Keith Ferrazzi.
Revive and Thrive Coaching, Professional Coach, member of International Coach Federation.
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