We all long to change the habitual tendency to be critical and negative. I regard myself as a loving and caring human being but we often struggle to stop the ceaseless chatter that goes on inside our minds which sits in judgment of self or others.
There are many factors that play into judgment, but the primary one is fear. If we are afraid that our children aren’t achieving, learning or heading in the right direction; if we fear that those we care about are not showing signs of making the right choices; if we fear that we will be dragged down by those choices, then we judge and condemn. It’s called the ABC of Fear: Accusation, Blame, and Criticism. And so very often what we are judging in others is what we see reflected in ourselves.
We closely observe those that we love:
- to ensure that they are safe,
- to attempt to assist them to make the right choices,
- to impart our own vision of ‘how things should be’
- and to help them to see that there is always room for improvement.
This is such a mixed bag of good intentions and controlling behavior!
Our relationships become so complex when we operate from that standpoint. We feel that we must fix everything and micro-manage behaviour. And regardless of how good our intentions are, it is essential for all the dynamics of healthy interaction – as well as for learning through experience – that we ‘butt out’!
Instead, let us commit to:
- Creating safe physical and atmospheric spaces in which our associates can thrive
- Being worthy of imitation so that they can make their own ‘right’ choices
- Letting go of the illusion that we know how things ‘should’ be, and
- Praising what progress has been made thereby engendering self-worth which will encourage and inspire
One of the simplest techniques you can use to break that cycle of criticism is this: before those nasty words leave your lips, stand back, take three deep breaths, look at the situation and ask yourself “What am I thankful for, right here, right now?” An attitude of gratitude transforms us, in the blink of an eye, from being mean-spirited to being the loving beings we truly are.