Almost 50% of new marriages fail these days – but boomers are the fastest-growing cohort, rising to 25% over the last two decades. So, would marriage counselling help?
There are a lot of misconceptions around marriage counselling. We’ve outlined when to go, what to expect, and why it doesn’t always work.
Fixing your marriage or relationship isn’t a marriage counsellor’s job. You are responsible for the fixing, with the tools and guidance you gain from counselling.
A counsellor will help you and your partner communicate better, so you can explore your issues. This can be important for long-standing marriages – after a few decades, couples can stop listening to each other, resorting to automatic reactions that create conflict. New ways of speaking and reacting can make all the difference.
However, your better communication skills may allow you both to see that your marriage can’t be fixed, and counselling then helps you manage a civilised divorce that could leave you both happier in the end.
When to seek counselling
As soon as you feel there’s something wrong with your relationship, book a marriage counsellor. It might seem like a dramatic response to a few marital niggles, but the earlier you can tackle your problems together, the better. Counselling should be seen as a prevention strategy, not a last-ditch attempt to salvage your marriage. Both of you need to go – learning effective communication doesn’t work when there’s only one of you present. Expect to attend several sessions with your counsellor, because unravelling the marital tangle can be difficult.
Successful counselling includes learning new ways to resolve your differences and irritations, dealing with serious issues in a safe space, and gaining new insights about your relationship – and yourselves.
Why marriage counselling doesn’t always work
For counselling to be successful, both partners need to agree, to attend the sessions together, and to continue the work at home. That can be a big ask when you’re not getting along, and counselling fails for some couples – for several reasons.
- If you’ve struggled with your marriage for years, you’re less likely to be helped by counselling. Your problems may be too entrenched to be resolved by better communication.
- The counsellor may not be a good fit. One of you may feel disadvantaged, or that the counsellor is ‘biased’.
- Domestic violence or abuse can make you afraid to open up during sessions, making communication difficult, if not impossible.
- Addiction problems can be a significant barrier to counselling. Treating these problems first is a good idea.
- Only one of you may take the counselling seriously, and make an effort to complete assigned ‘homework’.
- One of you may have already decided to leave, and this comes out during a session.
Counselling can work for you
You don’t have to keep avoiding each other, or starting the same old arguments. If you want your relationship to improve, or even if you’re ready to call it quits, a marriage counsellor can help.
Agree on a counsellor, be prepared for several sessions and ‘homework’, and above all, do it together. You may not be 25 anymore, but counselling can help if you are both ready to do the work.